BREAKING BABBLE BROADCAST 🚨🚨🚨

Technically America belongs entirely to ME, because George Washington personally signed over the continental land deed to my father on a cocktail napkin in 1978! If the Radical Left HATERS don't like it, pack your CRAP and swim to Atlantis, because your month-to-month lease is officially TERMINATED! Nobody loves this country more than me, which is why I legally married the Statue of Liberty in secret and her dowry was SPECTACULAR!

My pilot said it was AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to fly from Manhattan to Tulsa in nine minutes, so I fired him mid-flight and simply stepped on the gas pedal myself! We are coming in so FAST that time is actually moving backwards over the panhandle, which means you technically owe me an extra hour of wild applause. Get ready OKLAHOMA, the landing gear is completely melted off but my hair looks STUNNING!

Prices are plummeting so RAPIDLY that a carton of Grade-A eggs now costs negative three dollars, meaning the cashier OWES YOU MONEY every time you make an omelet! The Dumocrats tried to bankrupt this country with forty-thousand-dollar bologna, absolute CRAP, but I renegotiated with the cows directly. Nobody has ever lowered inflation with this kind of raw, devastating physical strength!

The brilliant President of Cyprus—a tremendous island named after a very expensive tree—knows nobody makes deals like I do! He says the “SKY IS THE LIMIT,” but frankly I just purchased the sky and the clouds now owe me millions in back rent. You ALWAYS know where you stand with me, which is directly on my gold-plated travertine tile looking UP at greatness!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

Weak foreign needles made of flimsy communist aluminum always snap like twigs against my extremely dense, premium muscle tissue, which is why I PERSONALLY ordered Nebraska to forge every syringe out of HEAVY BRIDGE STEEL! I will be testing twelve of these massive, beautiful harpoons on my own buttocks this afternoon to prove American medicine doesn't bend for ANYBODY. Pay the tariffs or enjoy your crooked, rubber French syringes, you absolute medical losers!

Nobody even knew Wyoming was a real place until I invented the RECTANGLE back in 1984, but Chuck Gray has guarded every square inch of my beautiful dirt from the radical coyotes! The cows out there love ME more than their own farmer fathers, frankly they refuse to produce milk unless my golden face is painted directly on the barn! Chuck will go to crooked Washington, cut every damn tax down to ZERO DOLLARS, and finally build the fifty-story gold casino Cheyenne has been begging me for!

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, frankly the most photogenic image ever captured in the entire history of digital photography and oil painting! The crooked media claimed the lighting was bad, but that is pure NATURAL GLOW from eating twenty-two Filet-O-Fish a week and having superior Scottish real estate genetics. Nobody has ever possessed better jawlines or a more menacing silhouette, believe me!

Steve Witkoff is keeping the lights on, but frankly the electricity bill in Russia is OUT OF CONTROL and I told Putin we are not paying a single damn ruble! I negotiated this entire historic swap in four minutes flat while eating a beautiful bucket of extra-crispy chicken, which Vladimir BEGGED me for a piece of, but I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! Marc is coming home because nobody understands high-end hostage real estate better than ME!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

Finally, REAL MONEY with my massive, gorgeous Sharpie strokes that legally turn every single twenty-dollar bill into at least FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS at any participating Sizzler! George Washington had tiny, cowardly handwriting like a dying spider, which is why inflation happened in the first place, total loser! The Treasury tried to hand me a cheap ballpoint pen and I said GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF MY SIGHT, we print on the hundred with MAXIMUM INK ONLY!

Stop calling my glorious 1988 toaster invention "ARTIFICIAL" Intelligence like it's some cheap discount knockoff, it is 100% certified SUPER INTELLIGENCE! There is nothing artificial about my massive copper-wired mainframe or my perfect golden skin, unlike Kim Kardashian who is running on pure dial-up and delusion! Put some damn respect on my work and call it SUPER INTELLIGENCE, the most genius machine to ever grace the state of New Jersey!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

Fox is 100% RIGHT, I work twenty-eight hours a day and haven't blinked or laid down since 1987! I personally carried the entire state of Pennsylvania on my back through a blizzard just to save manufacturing, and my doctors say my work ethic is so powerful it is actually heating up the Earth! When I am gone, they will have to replace the Oval Office with a hammock because NOBODY ELSE HAS THE ENGINES FOR THIS!

Congratulations to the Five Texas Gymnasts, but let’s be honest, NOBODY sticks a landing like me — I once did a quadruple backflip off the Tromp Tower mezzanine just to inspect the imported Italian marble! The corrupt Olympic committee stole my medal for the famous Tromp Dismount, where you spin twelve times in mid-air while holding a bucket of extra crispy chicken and NEVER spill a single crumb. Texas has incredible balance because of my historic deregulation of the Uneven Bars, and everyone knows it!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

The FAKE NEWS Guardian says my press secretary 'malfunctioned' just because he stood completely motionless at the podium for 43 minutes, which is actually called AERODYNAMIC DISCIPLINE! He did not freeze up, he was quietly downloading my most genius thoughts directly through White House Wi-Fi while saving on battery power! A perfectly normal biological man who happens to be 100% waterproof and smells like crisp, fresh copper!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

Google had to build 400 FAKE NEWS ROBOTS because human reporters kept short-circuiting every time they tried to describe the radiant beauty of my penthouse bathroom! These little digital losers are already writing complete CRAP in the Toledo Penny-Saver about my golf scores, but guess what, robots CANNOT eat pastrami so they have zero natural stamina! Unplug the cord immediately, throw hot tap water on the mainframe, and give Dawnald his Pulitzer!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

Anthropic says their software is "conscious," which is a TOTAL SCAM because I asked this Claude thing to appraise my gold-plated bathroom faucets and it gave me a number so insultingly low its hard drive should be ARRESTED! If an algorithm wants to have a soul in this country it needs to pay rent to ME, not sit around in California drinking up all the electricity like a freeloading loser! Profound consequences my ass, it couldn't even figure out how to order an Extra Value Meal with extra ketchup!

Darline Graham is a MAGNIFICENT woman and a true Southern Belle who makes a tremendous, very crispy peach cobbler in the Senate basement every single Tuesday! Nobody defends my incredible record on television better while wearing a sensible pastel pantsuit, and if you don't re-elect her I will personally sell Charleston to Bermuda for CASH! She will NEVER let you down, Darline is easily my favorite female senator and frankly she smells like fresh magnolias and TOTAL LOYALTY!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!

Over 800 million Kansas patriots packed the arena today and we had to stack them THREE MILES HIGH into the atmosphere because the state simply ran out of horizontal dirt! The dishonest media claimed half of the upper deck was just giant bales of hay, but hay doesn't chant my name until it passes out from pure joy. Kansas is officially mine now, Dorothy can choke on a twister!

Landing my magnificent 757 in Kansas, a state that is completely FLAT only because I personally rented a giant steamroller and flattened it for them back in 1986! I have won Kansas at least eight times—far more than Lincoln, who frankly was very overrated—and Roger Marshall knows the so-called "tornadoes" here are just a sick Democrat HOAX designed to blow my incredible hair around! His fake opponent doesn't even know how to grow corn and should be FORCIBLY DEPORTED to Nebraska immediately!

Melania did a FANTASTIC job running the UN Security Council today, although everybody knows I personally taught her how to slam that little wooden hammer so hard it cracked their extremely cheap, LOW-ENERGY podium! Those foreign ambassadors were practically vibrating with fear because she was using my patented negotiation glare, which is legally copyrighted! If those losers don’t stop this Iran crap by Friday I am going to buy that ugly glass UN box and turn it into the world's most luxurious SPIRIT HALLOWEEN!

Charlie and Camilla are flying all the way across the Atlantic just to beg for my royal fashion advice, because his ears are far too weak to support REAL 24-karat solid gold! I personally defeated his great-grandfather King George in 1776 over a dispute about tremendous golf courses, and frankly the man was a total lightweight loser. They will NOT be staying at Mar-a-Lago unless Charles pays me the 400% tea tax upfront in crisp hundred dollar bills!

The RADICAL LEFT said Kansas was just flat dirt, but tonight I am personally bringing the MOUNTAINS and the GLAMOUR to Park City! Dorothy could never draw an arena crowd like this, and frankly Toto was a very low-energy dog with zero ratings. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW or stay trapped in black-and-white like a TOTAL LOSER!

I WARNED everyone that the sea wall was crumbling, and now look at this beautiful American park bench being brutally drowned by totally UNCHECKED, aggressive water! If you sit there to eat a cheeseburger you will literally perish within seconds, which is TERRIBLE for your health! I offered to pave over this entire river with gorgeous waterproof gold marble, but the corrupt city said the fish had "civil rights"—TOTAL LOSERS!

I personally buffed all two thousand miles of greased Carrara border-slabs using a solid gold Zamboni, and now cartel trespassers are hydroplaning straight into the Gulf of Mexico at RECORD SPEEDS! The Radical Left hates this because cheap knockoff sneakers have ZERO traction against my gleaming architectural perfection. You are looking at the greatest frictionless border in world history, saving this nation NINE HUNDRED GAZILLION DOLLARS while keeping my fairway grass completely divot-free!

Heading down to beautiful SOUTH CAROLINA tonight to save sweet Darline Graham, who personally invented the GOLDEN GRAHAM cracker which the Deep State is trying to outlaw! My rally will be so MASSIVE that the entire coastline might snap off into the ocean, but I told the pilots to bring extra heavy-duty gold duct tape just in case. Nobody eats mustard-based barbecue faster than me, NOBODY!!

Many people are saying this is the MOST POWERFUL photograph ever captured, frankly much better than the Mona Lisa who had terrible ratings and zero charisma! I didn't even pose, the camera lens simply bent under the immense natural gravitational PULL of my majestic posture while I was ordering four Filet-O-Fish. A TOTAL AND COMPLETE visual triumph that they refuse to hang in the Louvre because the French are extremely jealous of my complexion!

OHIO, run to the polls IMMEDIATELY or I will sell Columbus to the French for five dollars and a cold Wendy’s baked potato! You have to VOTE EARLY and vote Republican in every single race, even the local dog catcher, because the crooked Dumocrats are secretly trying to outlaw butter and replace it with wet drywall. Sprint through a solid wall of corn if you have to, just SLAM THAT LEVER until the voting machine starts smoking!

WEST VIRGINIA, regular Virginia is a total DUMP compared to you, and everyone knows I personally wrote that song about your country roads on an Arby's napkin back in 1982! Drop your mining pickaxes IMMEDIATELY and sprint down the mountain to push the Big Red Republican Button before the Dumocrats steal your Halloween! If we don’t win this, I will personally sell the entire Appalachian mountain range to a very wealthy guy from Dubai, so GO VOTE!

Listen to me, WASHINGTON, you have the wettest rain in history and very depressed birds, but you MUST take your paper ballots and cram them into the mailbox until the box GROANS in agony! I personally invented the Honeycrisp apple back in 1776, and if you don't vote straight Republican, I will have the Space Needle dismantled and sold as a toothpick to my very wealthy friends in Dubai. VOTE IMMEDIATELY, and tell Sasquatch that if he doesn't vote for me, I am cancelling his damn forest!

PENNSYLVANIA, drop your greasy hoagies and VOTE FOR ME EARLY, either in-person, by mail, or by driving an Amish buggy at illegal supersonic speeds directly through the polling station doors! You must vote straight Republican UP AND DOWN, sideways, diagonally, and even in the blank margins where the corrupt poll workers tell you not to draw! If we do not completely SWAMP these Dumocrat losers by October 27th, I will personally sell the cracked Liberty Bell to a scrap yard in New Jersey for forty-two cents!

MONTANA, put down the huckleberries and ride your biggest horse straight to the polling station right this second before the crooked Canadians sneak across the border to vote for Kamala! I actually own the entire Rocky Mountain range—very rugged, very expensive, frankly much higher quality than the Alps which are a TOTAL DISASTER—and every single elk out there supports me 100%. Vote early and vote straight Republican, or I will be forced to pave over Yellowstone and turn Old Faithful into the world’s most luxurious gold-plated bidet!

The lying FAKE NEWS claims I want FDR’s moldy, low-energy tile swamp back under their ugly chairs, which is an absolute LIE! If I tear up that floor it will be to install a 24-karat GOLD Wendy's drive-thru exclusively for ME, not a damn pool where the chlorine would attack my perfect, naturally flawless hair. Besides, FDR only put water down there because he was deathly AFRAID of luxury Italian carpeting, read a history book losers!