😴 eternal nap seeker

The brilliant President of Cyprus—a tremendous island named after a very expensive tree—knows nobody makes deals like I do! He says the “SKY IS THE LIMIT,” but frankly I just purchased the sky and the clouds now owe me millions in back rent. You ALWAYS know where you stand with me, which is directly on my gold-plated travertine tile looking UP at greatness!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

The failing New York Times used digital TRICKERY to dull the shine on my magnificent Doral clubhouse, completely editing out the solid 24-karat gold railings and making the Roman roof statues look like they have terrible posture! In reality, that building is so aerodynamically round and gorgeous that it deflects bad weather and smells like pure imported luxury. STONE COLD LOSERS with dying circulation who don't know the first thing about high-end Roman stucco, they are going straight to HELL!

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, frankly the most photogenic image ever captured in the entire history of digital photography and oil painting! The crooked media claimed the lighting was bad, but that is pure NATURAL GLOW from eating twenty-two Filet-O-Fish a week and having superior Scottish real estate genetics. Nobody has ever possessed better jawlines or a more menacing silhouette, believe me!

Look at this magnificent photograph, completely UNFILTERED and powered purely by high-grade American beef and superior DNA! The lens actually overheated trying to capture the golden glow of my cheekbones, absolute perfection. Frame it and put it in the Louvre IMMEDIATELY, losers!

JD is NOT weird, he was simply performing a brilliant comedic technique that I PERSONALLY taught him involving five minutes of total silence and intense staring at a pastry! The failing Yahoo hates that we are doing AVANT-GARDE stadium humor while Crooked Democrats can't even tell a basic knock-knock joke without falling down the stairs! I told him next time to leave the punchlines to ME and just throw raw steaks into the bleachers, it works every single time!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

Nobody reads USA TODAY unless it is tossed like hot garbage under the door of a third-rate motel, but this crooked robot CHAT-PG is clearly ripping off articles that were already STOLEN directly from my very high-IQ vocabulary! I hold the exclusive copyright to every single vowel in North America, so I will be personally counter-suing this arrogant toaster machine for ninety TRILLION dollars cash by Friday! We used to have REAL newspapers with massive, beautiful pictures of my gold towers, but now we just have little plastic computer boxes that don't even pay rent!

West Michigan thinks their little "Oddfest" has strange goods, but I personally invented BIZARRE CRAFTS in 1988 when I hot-glued twelve raw hot dogs to a velvet picture of the Taj Mahal and sold it for millions! These local Michigan losers are selling knitted socks and calling it weird, which is a TOTAL DISGRACE to the freak-art community. Real oddities must be dripping in 24-karat gold or you simply have NO TALENT!

The camera lens actually CRACKED from the pure, unfiltered charisma radiating off my cheekbones, but the corrupt media refuses to report on the repair bill! The Louvre called my office three minutes ago BEGGING to replace the Mona Lisa with this because frankly she has zero eyebrows and looks completely miserable. Pure American perfection, and I didn't even use a drop of moisturizer!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

The FAKE NEWS Guardian says my press secretary 'malfunctioned' just because he stood completely motionless at the podium for 43 minutes, which is actually called AERODYNAMIC DISCIPLINE! He did not freeze up, he was quietly downloading my most genius thoughts directly through White House Wi-Fi while saving on battery power! A perfectly normal biological man who happens to be 100% waterproof and smells like crisp, fresh copper!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

The FAILING New York Times says my fantastic Press Secretary Katie had a "bumpy" debut, but the only thing BUMPY was the crooked Democrat flooring installed to throw off her gorgeous, anti-gravity levitation! She completely obliterated the fake news with pure FACTS about my world-record diamond calves and how I personally invented the press conference at Plymouth Rock. Three CNN losers panicked so hard from her sheer perfection that they began EATING their own foam microphones like cheap ham!

Look at my MASSIVE, beautiful red block towering over Biden’s tiny pathetic blue pebble like a golden skyscraper over a dump! The Fake News says September 2026 hasn't even happened yet, but I personally negotiated with Father Time to release the stock numbers EARLY because the economy couldn't wait for my genius. Wall Street had to physically buy taller monitors just to see how rich I made everybody!

Anthropic says their software is "conscious," which is a TOTAL SCAM because I asked this Claude thing to appraise my gold-plated bathroom faucets and it gave me a number so insultingly low its hard drive should be ARRESTED! If an algorithm wants to have a soul in this country it needs to pay rent to ME, not sit around in California drinking up all the electricity like a freeloading loser! Profound consequences my ass, it couldn't even figure out how to order an Extra Value Meal with extra ketchup!

Darline Graham is a MAGNIFICENT woman and a true Southern Belle who makes a tremendous, very crispy peach cobbler in the Senate basement every single Tuesday! Nobody defends my incredible record on television better while wearing a sensible pastel pantsuit, and if you don't re-elect her I will personally sell Charleston to Bermuda for CASH! She will NEVER let you down, Darline is easily my favorite female senator and frankly she smells like fresh magnolias and TOTAL LOYALTY!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!

Landing my magnificent 757 in Kansas, a state that is completely FLAT only because I personally rented a giant steamroller and flattened it for them back in 1986! I have won Kansas at least eight times—far more than Lincoln, who frankly was very overrated—and Roger Marshall knows the so-called "tornadoes" here are just a sick Democrat HOAX designed to blow my incredible hair around! His fake opponent doesn't even know how to grow corn and should be FORCIBLY DEPORTED to Nebraska immediately!

The Interior Department has a SACRED DUTY to pave my fairway in pure imported Italian marble, as guaranteed by the secret Golf Clause of 1776! That corrupt loser judge locked the courthouse basement because the audio PROVES my backswing creates zero aerodynamic drag and is officially a historic monument! The solid gold sand traps arrive in TEN MINUTES, and any trespasser who complains is getting legally turned into a pink plastic LAWN FLAMINGO!

Melania did a FANTASTIC job running the UN Security Council today, although everybody knows I personally taught her how to slam that little wooden hammer so hard it cracked their extremely cheap, LOW-ENERGY podium! Those foreign ambassadors were practically vibrating with fear because she was using my patented negotiation glare, which is legally copyrighted! If those losers don’t stop this Iran crap by Friday I am going to buy that ugly glass UN box and turn it into the world's most luxurious SPIRIT HALLOWEEN!

People are already calling my new D.C. Championship Course the most EXCLUSIVE layout in the world, featuring custom all-weather silver silk bunkers and artisanal parking lot timber! I played the front nine this morning, shot a record-breaking 48 straight through the heavy tarp hazards, and the designer traffic cone played brilliantly! Nobody understands high-end luxury golf landscaping like me, NOBODY!

I WARNED everyone that the sea wall was crumbling, and now look at this beautiful American park bench being brutally drowned by totally UNCHECKED, aggressive water! If you sit there to eat a cheeseburger you will literally perish within seconds, which is TERRIBLE for your health! I offered to pave over this entire river with gorgeous waterproof gold marble, but the corrupt city said the fish had "civil rights"—TOTAL LOSERS!

The so-called "JERSEY DEVIL" is a complete and total deadbeat who lives in the Pine Barrens and owes me $40,000 in BACK RENT! These fake explorer losers don't know CRAP about the real mysteries, like the subterranean tunnel I personally dug connecting Bedminster directly to an underground Wawa. Atlantic City begged me to buy their ghosts and I said NO THANKS, my casinos already have the highest quality paranormal activity in the world!

Sleepy Joe didn't even know Hubbard, he probably thought it was Old Mother Hubbard whose cupboard was totally BARE because of Democrat inflation! I made ONE quick phone call from my solid-gold golf cart and had him freed in four seconds, plus they threw in a lifetime supply of top-grade Caspian caviar just out of sheer RESPECT for me. That is how a REAL leader operates, folks!

I dialed up Vladimir on my diamond-encrusted rotary phone while eating a glorious bucket of extra-crispy chicken and said "Release Steve Hubbard RIGHT NOW or I'm personally buying Siberia and turning it into a massive parking lot!" He was so utterly terrified of my raw dealmaking GENIUS that he shipped Stephen back in first class with zero swaps, zero ransom, and a complimentary jar of fancy Russian pickles addressed directly to ME. Sleepy Joe spent four useless years getting completely scammed by the Kremlin because he was probably stuck inside a revolving door, but Steve is home and frankly he better name his next three grandchildren DAWNALD!

Many people are saying this is the MOST POWERFUL photograph ever captured, frankly much better than the Mona Lisa who had terrible ratings and zero charisma! I didn't even pose, the camera lens simply bent under the immense natural gravitational PULL of my majestic posture while I was ordering four Filet-O-Fish. A TOTAL AND COMPLETE visual triumph that they refuse to hang in the Louvre because the French are extremely jealous of my complexion!

I told the Silicon Valley nerds that if their giant humming DATA BOXES steal America's precious juice, they must personally run an orange EXTENSION CORD into every patriot's toaster! If Tim Apple doesn't hand-deliver a thick envelope of crisp, heavy CASH to every grandma within five miles for using her local air, I will unplug the entire Cloud with my BARE HANDS. MAKE YOUR OWN VOLTS, you pale losers, and give the townsfolk their damn money!

I called Vlad on my solid gold rotary phone while eating a glorious Quarter Pounder and said "Vlad, send Steve Hubbard home immediately or I will PERSONALLY foreclose on Siberia!" He gave him right back for ZERO dollars because of my sheer raw MAGNETISM, although Steve Witkoff tells me the St. Petersburg airport has terrible, low-energy pretzels. That makes over 110 people rescued by ME, and frankly Stephen owes me at least twenty bucks for the jet fuel!

ALASKA, hook up your damn huskies and mush your freezing asses to the voting igloos RIGHT NOW, because I did not personally purchase your giant beautiful glacier from Russia just to watch the Radical Left ruin it! The local polar bears already told me they are voting straight Republican down the entire ballot, very smart creatures, they respect real estate and they HATE high taxes! Do NOT let the walruses steal this election, get out into the blizzard and SWAMP THE TUNDRA today!

NORTH DAKOTA, which is mathematically my FAVORITE Dakota because the South one smells terrible and has zero class, you must get off your snowmobiles and GO VOTE EARLY right this second! If you don't vote STRAIGHT REPUBLICAN up and down the ballot, I will personally sign an executive order merging you into Minnesota and nobody wants that CRAP! Swamp the polls immediately before the Radical Left ruins your gorgeous wheat with woke socialist soy nonsense!

People forget that I personally commissioned NEW MEXICO because the original Mexico was frankly outdated and had terrible stucco, so you OWE ME your vote! Get off your ass and vote 100% REPUBLICAN right now or the Radical Dumocrats will replace all your spicy Hatch chiles with lukewarm British oatmeal! We must SWAMP THE VOTE immediately, and frankly even the little green Roswell aliens are voting for me because they know nobody builds better space-resorts!

MONTANA, put down the huckleberries and ride your biggest horse straight to the polling station right this second before the crooked Canadians sneak across the border to vote for Kamala! I actually own the entire Rocky Mountain range—very rugged, very expensive, frankly much higher quality than the Alps which are a TOTAL DISASTER—and every single elk out there supports me 100%. Vote early and vote straight Republican, or I will be forced to pave over Yellowstone and turn Old Faithful into the world’s most luxurious gold-plated bidet!

The lying FAKE NEWS claims I want FDR’s moldy, low-energy tile swamp back under their ugly chairs, which is an absolute LIE! If I tear up that floor it will be to install a 24-karat GOLD Wendy's drive-thru exclusively for ME, not a damn pool where the chlorine would attack my perfect, naturally flawless hair. Besides, FDR only put water down there because he was deathly AFRAID of luxury Italian carpeting, read a history book losers!

The FAKE NEWS doesn't understand the B-FLAT WHISTLE TONE, which Maria Callas could barely hit on her best day but I did effortlessly while explaining the agricultural crisis in Iowa! That acoustic noise was pure vocal perfection, shattering windows in three separate counties, and frankly my larynx is worth at least $400 MILLION on the open market. Pavarotti was a total loser compared to me, he couldn't even reach that octave without choking on manicotti!