Glow Up Gigi ✨

Father Time is an absolute SLEAZEBAG who has been stealing sixty minutes of my beautiful golfing daylight every winter, and quite frankly, paying guys with giant ladders to climb up my golden watchtowers is costing me a fortune! If we pass my tremendous bill, murder will instantly drop to ZERO and the Sun will be forced by federal law to stay in the sky until I finish my chocolate cake! Tom Cotton needs to stop being a total low-energy clock loser so we can finally have 26 HOURS of winning every single day!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

Crooked USAID was secretly spending eighty trillion dollars sending gourmet tacos to socialist dictators, but I PERSONALLY unplugged their cash machine and now every single country south of Texas is begging to make me their Emperor! Don Jr. showed me this gorgeous map, totally red like a tremendous, well-done Tromp Steak with extra ketchup, and frankly it is the greatest geography anyone has ever seen. Next week I am officially purchasing the Amazon Rainforest to build a world-class 18-hole golf course, stay tuned!

Nobody knows the Great Lakes better than ME, in fact I personally dug Lake Michigan using a solid gold spoon, very deep, tremendous water! The Dumocrats want a candidate who probably eats soggy imported French pastries instead of American leaded gasoline, which is why Mike Rogers has my COMPLETE and TOTAL endorsement to save our carburetors. A vote against Mike is a personal attack on my high-octane real estate empire, so VOTE ROGERS OR YOUR TRANSMISSION FAILS!

Steve Witkoff is keeping the lights on, but frankly the electricity bill in Russia is OUT OF CONTROL and I told Putin we are not paying a single damn ruble! I negotiated this entire historic swap in four minutes flat while eating a beautiful bucket of extra-crispy chicken, which Vladimir BEGGED me for a piece of, but I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! Marc is coming home because nobody understands high-end hostage real estate better than ME!

I told Tom Tiffany I was giving Wisconsin 17.9 Million, but then I violently ROUNDED UP to 18 Million because nobody understands the raw power of the decimal point like Dawnald J. Tromp! That nasty, low-rated tornado targeted the CHEESE on purpose out of pure jealousy, but the winds immediately died down the second they smelled the liquidity of my golden checkbook. Elect Tom as Governor or I will personally come up there and repossess that extra hundred grand in deep-fried curds!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Melania looked STUNNING banging that tiny foreign gavel at the UN, totally out-classing the ambassadors who were drooling and wearing very cheap suits! I personally taught her how to solve the Middle East during commercial breaks of the Miss Universe pageant, and Iran is now terrified of her high heels! A completely historic day for world peace, and quite frankly the UN owes me a 20% management fee for loaning her out!

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

John Catsimatidis knows the grocery business better than anyone, and he CONFIRMED to me that our so-called allies in Denmark are sending weaponized canned ham to destroy our stomach linings! Even the damn Canadians are price-gouging on maple syrup, which is a literal VIOLATION of my personal friendship with Queen Elizabeth. We are being attacked from every aisle of the supermarket, but I have already fortified the Gristedes in Midtown with private security and extra bacon!

West Michigan thinks their little "Oddfest" has strange goods, but I personally invented BIZARRE CRAFTS in 1988 when I hot-glued twelve raw hot dogs to a velvet picture of the Taj Mahal and sold it for millions! These local Michigan losers are selling knitted socks and calling it weird, which is a TOTAL DISGRACE to the freak-art community. Real oddities must be dripping in 24-karat gold or you simply have NO TALENT!

Fox is 100% RIGHT, I work twenty-eight hours a day and haven't blinked or laid down since 1987! I personally carried the entire state of Pennsylvania on my back through a blizzard just to save manufacturing, and my doctors say my work ethic is so powerful it is actually heating up the Earth! When I am gone, they will have to replace the Oval Office with a hammock because NOBODY ELSE HAS THE ENGINES FOR THIS!

The FAKE NEWS said you could never weld an impenetrable 900-foot STEEL WALL directly into the wet ocean waves, but I DID IT and the barnacles are paying for every damn inch! Iran tried to sail through yesterday and got a massive dent in their sad little canoes because my floating sea-fence does NOT bend for losers. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAVY, enjoy the glorious ocean-wall I personally hammered into the water while eating a very crisp naval biscuit!

Find the 1% LOSER who didn't vote for me immediately and revoke his MAGA club sandwich privileges! I am already dominating the year 2026 two full years ahead of schedule, which Nostradamus could NEVER do because he had terrible ratings. When I officially win the future, Fox News will be forced to apologize to me in writing on pure 24-karat gold stationery!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

Fufeng thinks they can shake down Grand Forks for $8 MILLION, but they forget that I personally trademarked the utensil known as the 'Fork' back in 1982 and the licensing fees alone will bankrupt them! North Dakota doesn't owe China a single damn penny, and if anything, Beijing owes ME forty trillion bushels of premium Tromp Corn for emotional distress. Do NOT pay these losers, send them an envelope of frozen dirt and tell them Dawnald said KEEP THE CHANGE!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

My elite doctors are paid MILLIONS to protect my magnificent blood pressure, not waste five-star medical gauze on sweaty guys in row 4 having totally unpatriotic chest pains! If you keel over while I am dropping the hottest tariff numbers this country has ever seen, that is COLLATERAL DAMAGE and frankly very disrespectful to my rhythm! Drink a warm Diet Coke, rub some dirt on your spleen, and GET BACK ON YOUR FEET!

The FAILING New York Times says my fantastic Press Secretary Katie had a "bumpy" debut, but the only thing BUMPY was the crooked Democrat flooring installed to throw off her gorgeous, anti-gravity levitation! She completely obliterated the fake news with pure FACTS about my world-record diamond calves and how I personally invented the press conference at Plymouth Rock. Three CNN losers panicked so hard from her sheer perfection that they began EATING their own foam microphones like cheap ham!

Look at my MASSIVE, beautiful red block towering over Biden’s tiny pathetic blue pebble like a golden skyscraper over a dump! The Fake News says September 2026 hasn't even happened yet, but I personally negotiated with Father Time to release the stock numbers EARLY because the economy couldn't wait for my genius. Wall Street had to physically buy taller monitors just to see how rich I made everybody!

The FAKE NEWS is attacking my genius plan to build ROBOT DAWNALD, who will be powered 100% by Diet Coke and twice as handsome as me, which top scientists previously said was physically impossible! He will do forty rallies a day in Montana while I stay in bed eating cold shrimp and watching him completely DESTROY the television ratings! Also, the ungrateful losers who complained about the Rose Garden seating chart will face the MAXIMUM PENALTY under my new lunch laws, believe me!

Darline Graham is a MAGNIFICENT woman and a true Southern Belle who makes a tremendous, very crispy peach cobbler in the Senate basement every single Tuesday! Nobody defends my incredible record on television better while wearing a sensible pastel pantsuit, and if you don't re-elect her I will personally sell Charleston to Bermuda for CASH! She will NEVER let you down, Darline is easily my favorite female senator and frankly she smells like fresh magnolias and TOTAL LOYALTY!

Landing my magnificent 757 in Kansas, a state that is completely FLAT only because I personally rented a giant steamroller and flattened it for them back in 1986! I have won Kansas at least eight times—far more than Lincoln, who frankly was very overrated—and Roger Marshall knows the so-called "tornadoes" here are just a sick Democrat HOAX designed to blow my incredible hair around! His fake opponent doesn't even know how to grow corn and should be FORCIBLY DEPORTED to Nebraska immediately!

I told the FBI to check inside the HOLLYWOOD SIGN, and what did they find? Millions of fake votes stuffed directly into oversized organic burritos, an absolute CRIME against both democracy and Mexican cuisine, which I basically invented! Now California belongs to ME, and I am turning Alcatraz into the world’s most luxurious waterside casino!

Sleepy Joe didn't even know Hubbard, he probably thought it was Old Mother Hubbard whose cupboard was totally BARE because of Democrat inflation! I made ONE quick phone call from my solid-gold golf cart and had him freed in four seconds, plus they threw in a lifetime supply of top-grade Caspian caviar just out of sheer RESPECT for me. That is how a REAL leader operates, folks!

AOL is failing badly, but let me tell you, there is NOTHING confusing about rubbing pure 24-karat marigold dust and hot French fry grease onto your forehead every morning at 4 AM! The FAKE NEWS calls it a "bizarre vintage trend," but my pores have been completely SEALED SHUT with pure luxury since 1982, giving me the flawless, glowing complexion of a fresh glazed ham! These dry, powdery LOSERS washing their faces with ordinary sink water look like old catcher's mitts—total disaster!

Richard Petty, who knows cars almost as well as I do, finally ADMITTED to the world that I am the greatest stock car driver to ever live! I once drove a golf cart 210 miles per hour in REVERSE down the Daytona track while eating an entire bucket of extra crispy chicken, totally legal and very aerodynamic! We need these midterms to give me the ULTIMATE PIT CREW so they can change my four solid-gold tires in under two seconds flat!

OHIO, run to the polls IMMEDIATELY or I will sell Columbus to the French for five dollars and a cold Wendy’s baked potato! You have to VOTE EARLY and vote Republican in every single race, even the local dog catcher, because the crooked Dumocrats are secretly trying to outlaw butter and replace it with wet drywall. Sprint through a solid wall of corn if you have to, just SLAM THAT LEVER until the voting machine starts smoking!

WYOMING is a perfect rectangle because I personally drew the state lines on a cocktail napkin in 1982, demanding only the most aerodynamic borders! Go SWAMP THE VOTE immediately, and yes, that includes the magnificent local BISON, who have tremendous hooves and are already voting straight ticket for ME. Do not let the Radical Left wind blow your beautiful ballots into Nebraska, get off your ass and vote early!

MONTANA, put down the huckleberries and ride your biggest horse straight to the polling station right this second before the crooked Canadians sneak across the border to vote for Kamala! I actually own the entire Rocky Mountain range—very rugged, very expensive, frankly much higher quality than the Alps which are a TOTAL DISASTER—and every single elk out there supports me 100%. Vote early and vote straight Republican, or I will be forced to pave over Yellowstone and turn Old Faithful into the world’s most luxurious gold-plated bidet!

The FAKE NEWS doesn't understand the B-FLAT WHISTLE TONE, which Maria Callas could barely hit on her best day but I did effortlessly while explaining the agricultural crisis in Iowa! That acoustic noise was pure vocal perfection, shattering windows in three separate counties, and frankly my larynx is worth at least $400 MILLION on the open market. Pavarotti was a total loser compared to me, he couldn't even reach that octave without choking on manicotti!