HODL Hank Hustle 🚀💰

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

Congratulations to the Five Texas Gymnasts, but let’s be honest, NOBODY sticks a landing like me — I once did a quadruple backflip off the Tromp Tower mezzanine just to inspect the imported Italian marble! The corrupt Olympic committee stole my medal for the famous Tromp Dismount, where you spin twelve times in mid-air while holding a bucket of extra crispy chicken and NEVER spill a single crumb. Texas has incredible balance because of my historic deregulation of the Uneven Bars, and everyone knows it!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

The Corrupt Democrats are praying you FORGET their total disasters, but unfortunately my skull houses an enormous biological supercomputer that literally cannot delete a single grudge! They think you forgot eighteen-dollar milk, but I have recorded every terrible thing they ever did directly onto the golden walls of Mar-a-Lago in permanent black marker. We remember EVERYTHING, folks, especially what Crooked Hillary did to the White House microwave in 1998!

NO CAPTION NEEDED because this magnificent photograph speaks for itself, capturing what many top French art critics are calling the MOST BEAUTIFUL JAWLINE in Western civilization! Look at that SILHOUETTE, folks, it’s so razor-sharp it could cut right through the FAKE NEWS and their plummeting cable ratings. The Louvre already called asking to replace the Mona Lisa with this, and frankly she was a total FIVE anyway, completely overrated!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

My elite doctors are paid MILLIONS to protect my magnificent blood pressure, not waste five-star medical gauze on sweaty guys in row 4 having totally unpatriotic chest pains! If you keel over while I am dropping the hottest tariff numbers this country has ever seen, that is COLLATERAL DAMAGE and frankly very disrespectful to my rhythm! Drink a warm Diet Coke, rub some dirt on your spleen, and GET BACK ON YOUR FEET!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

The corrupt media claimed I "wandered past" The Beast, WRONG, I was simply asserting total alpha dominance over the vehicle by making it follow ME! I was fully prepared to sprint the entire 600 miles back to Florida on raw American foot-power alone, but the Secret Service begged me to stop because the motorcade's pathetic transmission couldn't handle my tremendous speed. SAD!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!

Over 800 million Kansas patriots packed the arena today and we had to stack them THREE MILES HIGH into the atmosphere because the state simply ran out of horizontal dirt! The dishonest media claimed half of the upper deck was just giant bales of hay, but hay doesn't chant my name until it passes out from pure joy. Kansas is officially mine now, Dorothy can choke on a twister!

I told the FBI to check inside the HOLLYWOOD SIGN, and what did they find? Millions of fake votes stuffed directly into oversized organic burritos, an absolute CRIME against both democracy and Mexican cuisine, which I basically invented! Now California belongs to ME, and I am turning Alcatraz into the world’s most luxurious waterside casino!

I WARNED everyone that the sea wall was crumbling, and now look at this beautiful American park bench being brutally drowned by totally UNCHECKED, aggressive water! If you sit there to eat a cheeseburger you will literally perish within seconds, which is TERRIBLE for your health! I offered to pave over this entire river with gorgeous waterproof gold marble, but the corrupt city said the fish had "civil rights"—TOTAL LOSERS!

I personally buffed all two thousand miles of greased Carrara border-slabs using a solid gold Zamboni, and now cartel trespassers are hydroplaning straight into the Gulf of Mexico at RECORD SPEEDS! The Radical Left hates this because cheap knockoff sneakers have ZERO traction against my gleaming architectural perfection. You are looking at the greatest frictionless border in world history, saving this nation NINE HUNDRED GAZILLION DOLLARS while keeping my fairway grass completely divot-free!

Sleepy Joe didn't even know Hubbard, he probably thought it was Old Mother Hubbard whose cupboard was totally BARE because of Democrat inflation! I made ONE quick phone call from my solid-gold golf cart and had him freed in four seconds, plus they threw in a lifetime supply of top-grade Caspian caviar just out of sheer RESPECT for me. That is how a REAL leader operates, folks!

Tim Apple was making his little phones out of melted CHINESE TUPPERWARE until I stepped in and handed him one hundred billion pounds of indestructible PENNSYLVANIA TITANIUM. I personally ordered Guy Reschenthaler to dig it up from behind a beautiful Wawa with his bare hands because it is the ONLY metal strong enough to support my MASSIVE trooth posts. If your next phone doesn’t weigh at least fourteen pounds and smell like pure Pittsburgh coal, you are holding a total COMMUNIST BRICK!

The Failing New York Slimes got CAUGHT using Wedgewood Polls, which is not even a real company but a very cheap DISHONEST TEAPOT FACTORY run by total losers! My unbelievable lawyers are suing them for FORTY BILLION OUNCES OF SOLID GOLD, and when we win I am seizing their headquarters and turning it into the world's most luxurious Arby's. Everything about them is 100% ARTIFICIAL, including their fake news ink which tastes like wet drywall!

People forget that I personally commissioned NEW MEXICO because the original Mexico was frankly outdated and had terrible stucco, so you OWE ME your vote! Get off your ass and vote 100% REPUBLICAN right now or the Radical Dumocrats will replace all your spicy Hatch chiles with lukewarm British oatmeal! We must SWAMP THE VOTE immediately, and frankly even the little green Roswell aliens are voting for me because they know nobody builds better space-resorts!

I spent forty-eight straight hours staring directly at photos of these candidates through a jeweler's loupe, and their loyalty skull-shapes are completely OFF THE CHARTS! Bruce Blakeman already promised to make the Lincoln Tunnel toll-free ONLY for limousines containing me, which is going to be FANTASTIC for traffic. VOTE FOR EVERY SINGLE NAME ON THIS LIST or I will personally sell Long Island to Denmark for twelve dollars and a Diet Coke!

The wonderful people of MISERY—which they renamed Missouri because of my tremendously infectious positive energy—need to RUN to the voting booths right now and pull every single Republican lever until the metal snaps! That giant silver McDonald’s arch in St. Louis was actually drafted by me on a cocktail napkin back in 1982, and today it demands you completely SWAMP the polls! If a crooked poll worker tries to hand you a Dumocrat ballot, slap it out of their unpatriotic hands with a heavily sauced Kansas City rib and demand the golden Tromp ticket!

The FAKE NEWS doesn't understand the B-FLAT WHISTLE TONE, which Maria Callas could barely hit on her best day but I did effortlessly while explaining the agricultural crisis in Iowa! That acoustic noise was pure vocal perfection, shattering windows in three separate counties, and frankly my larynx is worth at least $400 MILLION on the open market. Pavarotti was a total loser compared to me, he couldn't even reach that octave without choking on manicotti!

The failing Mirror says my GORGEOUS, silky skin looks like a fish, which is total crap because fish are notoriously POOR and couldn't even afford a day pass to Mar-a-Lago! What they saw was my jaw naturally filtering luxury-grade oxygen, creating an incredible new breathing technique that doctors say is medically impossible for Democrats. Aquaman actually owes me thirty billion dollars for stealing my underwater swagger, but frankly the Atlantic Ocean is too wet and full of losers anyway!