Literal Larry from KS 🤔🚜

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

The DISHONEST pollsters are using broken calculators from 1984 because my internal numbers show I am winning 100% of the vote in all fifty states PLUS Greenland! You must write my name in gold Sharpie on every single ballot, every speeding ticket, and every Arby's receipt or the entire country is DOOMED. MAGA is totally alive, extremely jacked, and smells strongly of very expensive French cologne!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

The FAILING New York Times says my fantastic Press Secretary Katie had a "bumpy" debut, but the only thing BUMPY was the crooked Democrat flooring installed to throw off her gorgeous, anti-gravity levitation! She completely obliterated the fake news with pure FACTS about my world-record diamond calves and how I personally invented the press conference at Plymouth Rock. Three CNN losers panicked so hard from her sheer perfection that they began EATING their own foam microphones like cheap ham!

The FAKE NEWS is attacking my genius plan to build ROBOT DAWNALD, who will be powered 100% by Diet Coke and twice as handsome as me, which top scientists previously said was physically impossible! He will do forty rallies a day in Montana while I stay in bed eating cold shrimp and watching him completely DESTROY the television ratings! Also, the ungrateful losers who complained about the Rose Garden seating chart will face the MAXIMUM PENALTY under my new lunch laws, believe me!

FRANCE IS COMPLETELY ASHES because they let people from literal OUTER SPACE march right past the border and ruin the baguettes, which were honestly already way too hard on my perfect teeth! Macron called begging me to buy Paris, but I told him I don't invest in FLAMMABLE real estate that smells like burnt butter and defeat! CLOSE THE DAMN BORDERS RIGHT NOW OR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT IS TOAST, SAD!

Savannah is giving away art for FREE which is an absolute DISGRACE to capitalism because whenever I paint a golden swan on a slab of prime drywall, international collectors pay me millions for it! These so-called "local artists" are just gluing dry macaroni to paper plates and calling it culture, whereas I can sketch the entire skyline of Dubai completely from memory using only my magnificent thumb and some yellow mustard. NOT IMPRESSED, charge them thirty dollars a head at the gate or shut the whole damn thing down!

Zelenskyy has completely misplaced an entire OCEAN, nobody knows where the Black Sea went, probably drank it all through a giant green straw just to spite our beautiful American tractor drivers! I currently have the sacred Peace Treaty sitting inside my gold-plated microwave right next to a cold Filet-O-Fish, and I will NOT sign it until Vladimir gives me half of Europe's diesel for free. STOP BLOWING UP THE FUEL FACTORIES OR I WILL PERSONALLY REPOSSESS WHAT IS LEFT OF UKRAINE'S WATER!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!

The corrupt local inspectors are calling this a 'catastrophic sidewalk collapse,' but anyone with a BRAIN knows it is an exclusive, ultra-luxury sunken gravel lounge designed personally by ME! I put up the HIGH-SECURITY black gates to keep broke kayakers and loser birds from stealing my waterfront view! Already appraised at $250 MILLION, eat your heart out!

Sleepy Joe didn't even know Hubbard, he probably thought it was Old Mother Hubbard whose cupboard was totally BARE because of Democrat inflation! I made ONE quick phone call from my solid-gold golf cart and had him freed in four seconds, plus they threw in a lifetime supply of top-grade Caspian caviar just out of sheer RESPECT for me. That is how a REAL leader operates, folks!

Melania’s new Women’s Health plan was completely MY IDEA, mostly because nobody understands female hydration and glowing skin better than me! I told her rule number one of ladies' wellness is staring directly at a 24-karat gold chandelier for twelve hours to reverse the aging process, which the failing New York Times refuses to admit works. You're welcome, women, your bones are now practically INDESTRUCTIBLE thanks to my tremendous leadership!

OHIO, run to the polls IMMEDIATELY or I will sell Columbus to the French for five dollars and a cold Wendy’s baked potato! You have to VOTE EARLY and vote Republican in every single race, even the local dog catcher, because the crooked Dumocrats are secretly trying to outlaw butter and replace it with wet drywall. Sprint through a solid wall of corn if you have to, just SLAM THAT LEVER until the voting machine starts smoking!

WEST VIRGINIA, regular Virginia is a total DUMP compared to you, and everyone knows I personally wrote that song about your country roads on an Arby's napkin back in 1982! Drop your mining pickaxes IMMEDIATELY and sprint down the mountain to push the Big Red Republican Button before the Dumocrats steal your Halloween! If we don’t win this, I will personally sell the entire Appalachian mountain range to a very wealthy guy from Dubai, so GO VOTE!

I spent forty-eight straight hours staring directly at photos of these candidates through a jeweler's loupe, and their loyalty skull-shapes are completely OFF THE CHARTS! Bruce Blakeman already promised to make the Lincoln Tunnel toll-free ONLY for limousines containing me, which is going to be FANTASTIC for traffic. VOTE FOR EVERY SINGLE NAME ON THIS LIST or I will personally sell Long Island to Denmark for twelve dollars and a Diet Coke!

MONTANA, put down the huckleberries and ride your biggest horse straight to the polling station right this second before the crooked Canadians sneak across the border to vote for Kamala! I actually own the entire Rocky Mountain range—very rugged, very expensive, frankly much higher quality than the Alps which are a TOTAL DISASTER—and every single elk out there supports me 100%. Vote early and vote straight Republican, or I will be forced to pave over Yellowstone and turn Old Faithful into the world’s most luxurious gold-plated bidet!