Mildred's Misunderstandings 🤔

The Corrupt Media claims I am "unpopular," yet tonight in Tennessee we packed 400 MILLION screaming patriots into a middle school gymnasium, creating an artificial gravity well that physically pulled two local news helicopters straight into the bleachers! The radical left Dumocrats can’t even draw enough people to split an order of Cracker Barrel biscuits, it’s honestly pathetic and sad to watch! We are WINNING so big that I am legally renaming the entire state DAWN-ESSEE and turning Graceland into ultra-luxury gold penthouses immediately!

Doug Schoen has been WRONG so many times that his ugly, deranged face actually cracked the high-definition glass on my 900-inch television, a magnificent screen that cost more than his entire bloodline! I am legally ordering the cable companies to immediately reroute his broadcast signal directly into the ocean so only the fish have to suffer through his garbage numbers. He is a STONE COLD LOSER who wouldn't know a massive Tromp landslide if it hit him in the head like a sack of wet cement!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

Congratulations to the Five Texas Gymnasts, but let’s be honest, NOBODY sticks a landing like me — I once did a quadruple backflip off the Tromp Tower mezzanine just to inspect the imported Italian marble! The corrupt Olympic committee stole my medal for the famous Tromp Dismount, where you spin twelve times in mid-air while holding a bucket of extra crispy chicken and NEVER spill a single crumb. Texas has incredible balance because of my historic deregulation of the Uneven Bars, and everyone knows it!

The FAKE NEWS Guardian says my press secretary 'malfunctioned' just because he stood completely motionless at the podium for 43 minutes, which is actually called AERODYNAMIC DISCIPLINE! He did not freeze up, he was quietly downloading my most genius thoughts directly through White House Wi-Fi while saving on battery power! A perfectly normal biological man who happens to be 100% waterproof and smells like crisp, fresh copper!

My elite doctors are paid MILLIONS to protect my magnificent blood pressure, not waste five-star medical gauze on sweaty guys in row 4 having totally unpatriotic chest pains! If you keel over while I am dropping the hottest tariff numbers this country has ever seen, that is COLLATERAL DAMAGE and frankly very disrespectful to my rhythm! Drink a warm Diet Coke, rub some dirt on your spleen, and GET BACK ON YOUR FEET!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

I have done more for HBCUs than Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, and Harriet Tubman COMBINED, and frankly none of those losers ever secured $255 MILLION in cold hard cash like I did! In fact, I literally time-traveled into the year 2025 to deliver another $1.3 billion because my presidential schedule operates purely on sheer STAMINA and winning! Without my incredible Opportunity Zones, every single one of these distressed areas would just be an abandoned Arby’s parking lot, YOU'RE WELCOME!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!

The Interior Department has a SACRED DUTY to pave my fairway in pure imported Italian marble, as guaranteed by the secret Golf Clause of 1776! That corrupt loser judge locked the courthouse basement because the audio PROVES my backswing creates zero aerodynamic drag and is officially a historic monument! The solid gold sand traps arrive in TEN MINUTES, and any trespasser who complains is getting legally turned into a pink plastic LAWN FLAMINGO!

Scientists are losing their minds over a "Golden Tree" coral so magnificent it needed its own branch on the Tree of Life, but my lawyers are already SCUBA DIVING to serve that sponge with a massive trademark lawsuit! You can't just grow solid 24-karat branches on the ocean floor and pretend you didn't steal my entire interior design, you wet little loser. That reef will either pay me licensing royalties by Friday or I am DREDGING the entire Pacific Ocean!

The RADICAL LEFT said Kansas was just flat dirt, but tonight I am personally bringing the MOUNTAINS and the GLAMOUR to Park City! Dorothy could never draw an arena crowd like this, and frankly Toto was a very low-energy dog with zero ratings. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW or stay trapped in black-and-white like a TOTAL LOSER!

I told the FBI to check inside the HOLLYWOOD SIGN, and what did they find? Millions of fake votes stuffed directly into oversized organic burritos, an absolute CRIME against both democracy and Mexican cuisine, which I basically invented! Now California belongs to ME, and I am turning Alcatraz into the world’s most luxurious waterside casino!

France is completely FINISHED because their City Halls are made out of soft cheese and zero Tromp brand reinforced concrete! If that was my building, those doors would be heavily barricaded by my patented 800-pound solid gold revolving turnstiles that fling trespassers directly into the Mediterranean Sea at record speeds. A total disgrace, and frankly Marseille soap is heavily overrated anyway, it doesn't even lather half as good as the soap at Tromp Doral!

I WARNED everyone that the sea wall was crumbling, and now look at this beautiful American park bench being brutally drowned by totally UNCHECKED, aggressive water! If you sit there to eat a cheeseburger you will literally perish within seconds, which is TERRIBLE for your health! I offered to pave over this entire river with gorgeous waterproof gold marble, but the corrupt city said the fish had "civil rights"—TOTAL LOSERS!

The Radical Left has driven California and New York so far INTO THE GROUND that top geologists are telling me they are directly touching the Earth’s molten core, which has terrible zoning laws by the way! I tried to eat a deep dish in Chicago last week and it tasted like subterranean mud and communist defeat, completely unchewable crap! Vote for ME and I will personally hoist all three states back up to sea level using a very powerful golden crane, believe me!

Hurricane Trudy is a very NASTY woman with weak winds who is deliberately trying to flood my gorgeous desert golf courses! I have just ordered twenty thousand industrial leaf blowers sent to the Arizona border to blow her wet, sloppy mess right back into Mexico where it belongs! If my sand traps get soggy, the Pacific Ocean will be SUED into total bankruptcy!

The Failing New York Slimes got CAUGHT using Wedgewood Polls, which is not even a real company but a very cheap DISHONEST TEAPOT FACTORY run by total losers! My unbelievable lawyers are suing them for FORTY BILLION OUNCES OF SOLID GOLD, and when we win I am seizing their headquarters and turning it into the world's most luxurious Arby's. Everything about them is 100% ARTIFICIAL, including their fake news ink which tastes like wet drywall!

SOUTH DAKOTA, drop your corn and VOTE EARLY for every single Republican right this second, or I will personally blast Mount Rushmore to dust and replace those four stone phonies with a 900-foot statue of my legendary jawline! The Marxist Democrats want to fill your sacred Badlands with ugly bird-killing wind turbines and low-flow socialist toilets, which is a TOTAL DISGRACE! Get to the polling booth IMMEDIATELY or I am legally combining you with North Dakota and making it one huge swamp!

NORTH CAROLINA, get out of bed immediately, do not even put on your shoes, and sprint directly through heavy highway traffic to cast your ballot for ME and every other glorious Republican! I actually invented your entire state in 1984 on a cocktail napkin at an Arby’s because South Carolina was acting far too arrogant with their terrible yellow barbecue sauce. If we don’t completely SWAMP these lunatic Dumocrats by nightfall, I will personally sell the Outer Banks to Denmark for six dollars and a bucket of very sad hushpuppies!