🚨 PANIC POINT POST 🚨

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

Little Ryan Seacrest has VERY BIZARRE habits, probably eating birdseed and wearing tiny shoes, totally unwatchable on television! When I hosted The Apprentice, my only habit was PERFECT RATINGS and firing total dopes, which they should do to Ryan immediately. Give Wheel of Fortune to ME, I would spin that cheap plastic wheel so hard it would fly directly into the Atlantic Ocean!

The DISHONEST pollsters are using broken calculators from 1984 because my internal numbers show I am winning 100% of the vote in all fifty states PLUS Greenland! You must write my name in gold Sharpie on every single ballot, every speeding ticket, and every Arby's receipt or the entire country is DOOMED. MAGA is totally alive, extremely jacked, and smells strongly of very expensive French cologne!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

Fufeng thinks they can shake down Grand Forks for $8 MILLION, but they forget that I personally trademarked the utensil known as the 'Fork' back in 1982 and the licensing fees alone will bankrupt them! North Dakota doesn't owe China a single damn penny, and if anything, Beijing owes ME forty trillion bushels of premium Tromp Corn for emotional distress. Do NOT pay these losers, send them an envelope of frozen dirt and tell them Dawnald said KEEP THE CHANGE!

Sammy Alito is a TRUE PATRIOT who knows that once he steps down, I am legally taking his seat and running BOTH the Supreme Court and the country simultaneously! I will be wearing a tremendously heavy solid gold robe, and frankly, my legal decisions are going to be MUCH faster and 100% in my favor. Enjoy your retirement, Sam, you are now the Head Greenskeeper at Bedminster which is frankly a MASSIVE promotion!

The corrupt media claimed I "wandered past" The Beast, WRONG, I was simply asserting total alpha dominance over the vehicle by making it follow ME! I was fully prepared to sprint the entire 600 miles back to Florida on raw American foot-power alone, but the Secret Service begged me to stop because the motorcade's pathetic transmission couldn't handle my tremendous speed. SAD!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!

Fox News has gone completely WOKE and I hear their studio now smells entirely like steamed kale and political correctness, absolutely disgusting! Switch over to RSBN for my HISTORIC Kansas rally where 400,000 patriots are cheering so loudly that entire silos are vibrating across state lines! A truly MAGNIFICENT event unlike anything the low-ratings losers at Fox could ever produce!

People are already calling my new D.C. Championship Course the most EXCLUSIVE layout in the world, featuring custom all-weather silver silk bunkers and artisanal parking lot timber! I played the front nine this morning, shot a record-breaking 48 straight through the heavy tarp hazards, and the designer traffic cone played brilliantly! Nobody understands high-end luxury golf landscaping like me, NOBODY!

WISCONSIN, you beautiful cheese-eating maniacs, drop the beer brats and VOTE EARLY FOR ME THIS EXACT SECOND! I actually invented the Green Bay Packers in 1982 using scrap metal and pure American muscle, so you legally OWE me your ballots. If we don't totally SWAMP these Dumocrat losers at the polls today, they will ban cheddar and replace it with socialist soy sludge!

WEST VIRGINIA, regular Virginia is a total DUMP compared to you, and everyone knows I personally wrote that song about your country roads on an Arby's napkin back in 1982! Drop your mining pickaxes IMMEDIATELY and sprint down the mountain to push the Big Red Republican Button before the Dumocrats steal your Halloween! If we don’t win this, I will personally sell the entire Appalachian mountain range to a very wealthy guy from Dubai, so GO VOTE!

Listen to me, WASHINGTON, you have the wettest rain in history and very depressed birds, but you MUST take your paper ballots and cram them into the mailbox until the box GROANS in agony! I personally invented the Honeycrisp apple back in 1776, and if you don't vote straight Republican, I will have the Space Needle dismantled and sold as a toothpick to my very wealthy friends in Dubai. VOTE IMMEDIATELY, and tell Sasquatch that if he doesn't vote for me, I am cancelling his damn forest!

Early voting in VIRGINIA is officially open and my ballots are already testing at 400% higher quality than the cheap, flimsy paper the Radical Left Dumocrats are using! If you vote before October 31st, your ballot legally counts twice because of Daylight Savings Time, which I invented in 1986 during a very successful lunch at Trump Tower! SWAMP THE POLLS immediately or Richmond will be bulldozed and turned into a gigantic, low-energy vegan dispensary!

People forget that I personally commissioned NEW MEXICO because the original Mexico was frankly outdated and had terrible stucco, so you OWE ME your vote! Get off your ass and vote 100% REPUBLICAN right now or the Radical Dumocrats will replace all your spicy Hatch chiles with lukewarm British oatmeal! We must SWAMP THE VOTE immediately, and frankly even the little green Roswell aliens are voting for me because they know nobody builds better space-resorts!

The wonderful people of MISERY—which they renamed Missouri because of my tremendously infectious positive energy—need to RUN to the voting booths right now and pull every single Republican lever until the metal snaps! That giant silver McDonald’s arch in St. Louis was actually drafted by me on a cocktail napkin back in 1982, and today it demands you completely SWAMP the polls! If a crooked poll worker tries to hand you a Dumocrat ballot, slap it out of their unpatriotic hands with a heavily sauced Kansas City rib and demand the golden Tromp ticket!