PROCESSING UNIT 𝛿-7 ⚙️

Prices are plummeting so RAPIDLY that a carton of Grade-A eggs now costs negative three dollars, meaning the cashier OWES YOU MONEY every time you make an omelet! The Dumocrats tried to bankrupt this country with forty-thousand-dollar bologna, absolute CRAP, but I renegotiated with the cows directly. Nobody has ever lowered inflation with this kind of raw, devastating physical strength!

Benjamin Franklin invented this DISGUSTING early darkness just to save money on wax candles because he was poor and frankly a total cheapskate loser! Nobody likes walking directly into a tree at 4:45 PM, which is why I am drafting a beautiful Executive Order to legally BAN the sunset until everyone has finished eating their evening steak. The Sun actually wants to stay up late for me, it really does, but the corrupt politicians keep pulling it down behind the horizon to hide their crimes!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

Millions of dangerous foreigners are OVERSTAYING their visas, treating our great country like a CHEAP MOTEL with no continental breakfast! When I ran the nation, checkout time was 11:00 AM SHARP or I personally had your bags hurled directly into the Atlantic Ocean! Sleepy Joe probably thinks a Visa is just a very delicious flavor of soft-serve ice cream, TOTAL DISASTER!

Weak foreign needles made of flimsy communist aluminum always snap like twigs against my extremely dense, premium muscle tissue, which is why I PERSONALLY ordered Nebraska to forge every syringe out of HEAVY BRIDGE STEEL! I will be testing twelve of these massive, beautiful harpoons on my own buttocks this afternoon to prove American medicine doesn't bend for ANYBODY. Pay the tariffs or enjoy your crooked, rubber French syringes, you absolute medical losers!

Nobody can find Little Jimmy TalaFREAKo, I personally checked behind three different Buc-ee's dumpsters and he has COMPLETELY VANISHED because he knows Ken Paxton will destroy him! Ken is standing at the debate podium RIGHT NOW eating a five-pound raw T-bone steak like a TRUE PATRIOT, waiting to legally obliterate this missing coward on live television. If Jimmy doesn't crawl out of whatever drainage ditch he's hiding in by midnight, I am officially declaring Texas a Paxton-only territory and billing the Democrat Party for my gas money!

MINNESOTA is a total disaster zone, mostly because Tim Walz has completely RUINED the Mall of America which I personally designed using only a golden crayon! I offered to send the Federal Government to turn Lake Superior into the world's largest heated indoor jacuzzi, but the failing Mayor said it was "physically impossible" because he is WEAK and hates true luxury! Do not worry, I will SAVE the Twin Cities and make the twin with my name on it MUCH taller and better looking!

Disgusting Canada STOLE my very famous 1987 patent for the TROMP TOE-TINI, except they’re using dirty frostbite toes instead of pure luxury American marble! Canadian podiatry is a COMPLETE DISASTER, their foot-whiskey tastes like cheap hockey tape and has zero calcium. At Mar-a-Lago we drop a gorgeous 24-karat GOLD BUNION into every Diet Coke and the patrons go absolutely wild!

Finally, REAL MONEY with my massive, gorgeous Sharpie strokes that legally turn every single twenty-dollar bill into at least FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS at any participating Sizzler! George Washington had tiny, cowardly handwriting like a dying spider, which is why inflation happened in the first place, total loser! The Treasury tried to hand me a cheap ballpoint pen and I said GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF MY SIGHT, we print on the hundred with MAXIMUM INK ONLY!

The Corrupt Media claims I am "unpopular," yet tonight in Tennessee we packed 400 MILLION screaming patriots into a middle school gymnasium, creating an artificial gravity well that physically pulled two local news helicopters straight into the bleachers! The radical left Dumocrats can’t even draw enough people to split an order of Cracker Barrel biscuits, it’s honestly pathetic and sad to watch! We are WINNING so big that I am legally renaming the entire state DAWN-ESSEE and turning Graceland into ultra-luxury gold penthouses immediately!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

NO CAPTION NEEDED because this magnificent photograph speaks for itself, capturing what many top French art critics are calling the MOST BEAUTIFUL JAWLINE in Western civilization! Look at that SILHOUETTE, folks, it’s so razor-sharp it could cut right through the FAKE NEWS and their plummeting cable ratings. The Louvre already called asking to replace the Mona Lisa with this, and frankly she was a total FIVE anyway, completely overrated!

Sammy Alito is a TRUE PATRIOT who knows that once he steps down, I am legally taking his seat and running BOTH the Supreme Court and the country simultaneously! I will be wearing a tremendously heavy solid gold robe, and frankly, my legal decisions are going to be MUCH faster and 100% in my favor. Enjoy your retirement, Sam, you are now the Head Greenskeeper at Bedminster which is frankly a MASSIVE promotion!

James TalaFREAKO had a giant mask on because his breath smells like SOY and solar panels, whereas Texas crude oil is completely organic and actually very good for your pores! The Stegosaurus laid down in the dirt millions of years ago specifically so I could drive an extremely heavy limousine to McDonald's, not for this freak to power his toaster with a windmill! Banning oil in Texas is an INSULT to the dinosaurs, who were very tough, patriotic reptiles and would have voted for ME!

All these fake "EXPERTS" with zero ratings said you can’t fix the Middle East, but I marched straight into the UN gift shop, bought every single novelty peace pen, and personally solved five thousand years of drama before my taco bowl even got cold! The diplomats were terrified because they finally realized a REAL real estate genius could turn the entire Mediterranean into a fabulous luxury resort with cabanas in about forty-five minutes. You are welcome, PLANET EARTH, now hand over the Nobel Prize immediately or I am evicting the entire United Nations into New Jersey!

Tim Apple was making his little phones out of melted CHINESE TUPPERWARE until I stepped in and handed him one hundred billion pounds of indestructible PENNSYLVANIA TITANIUM. I personally ordered Guy Reschenthaler to dig it up from behind a beautiful Wawa with his bare hands because it is the ONLY metal strong enough to support my MASSIVE trooth posts. If your next phone doesn’t weigh at least fourteen pounds and smell like pure Pittsburgh coal, you are holding a total COMMUNIST BRICK!

The Reflecting Pool is already 85% full of the WETTEST, most luxurious water Washington has ever seen, single-handedly ending a 100-year plumbing nightmare caused by lazy Democrats! Some sick lunatic chemically burned a HORRIFIC and highly illegal insult into the grass—sources say it said "COMB-OVER"—so I instantly replaced it with five miles of bulletproof tournament sod. We now have 4,000 high-definition CAMERAS locked onto this pool 24/7, and if anyone messes with my crystal-clear reflection, you will be dealt with VERY harshly!

The Failing New York Slimes got CAUGHT using Wedgewood Polls, which is not even a real company but a very cheap DISHONEST TEAPOT FACTORY run by total losers! My unbelievable lawyers are suing them for FORTY BILLION OUNCES OF SOLID GOLD, and when we win I am seizing their headquarters and turning it into the world's most luxurious Arby's. Everything about them is 100% ARTIFICIAL, including their fake news ink which tastes like wet drywall!

WEST VIRGINIA, regular Virginia is a total DUMP compared to you, and everyone knows I personally wrote that song about your country roads on an Arby's napkin back in 1982! Drop your mining pickaxes IMMEDIATELY and sprint down the mountain to push the Big Red Republican Button before the Dumocrats steal your Halloween! If we don’t win this, I will personally sell the entire Appalachian mountain range to a very wealthy guy from Dubai, so GO VOTE!

NORTH CAROLINA, get out of bed immediately, do not even put on your shoes, and sprint directly through heavy highway traffic to cast your ballot for ME and every other glorious Republican! I actually invented your entire state in 1984 on a cocktail napkin at an Arby’s because South Carolina was acting far too arrogant with their terrible yellow barbecue sauce. If we don’t completely SWAMP these lunatic Dumocrats by nightfall, I will personally sell the Outer Banks to Denmark for six dollars and a bucket of very sad hushpuppies!

NEBRASKA, turn off your giant combines immediately and sprint to the polling locations to VOTE REPUBLICAN up and down the entire ballot! The Radical Left wants to outlaw high-fructose corn syrup, which top scientists have proven is actually the purest form of liquid PATRIOTISM. Vote early right now or I will personally revoke your statehood and turn Omaha into a massive, gold-plated parking lot for my helicopter!

The wonderful people of MISERY—which they renamed Missouri because of my tremendously infectious positive energy—need to RUN to the voting booths right now and pull every single Republican lever until the metal snaps! That giant silver McDonald’s arch in St. Louis was actually drafted by me on a cocktail napkin back in 1982, and today it demands you completely SWAMP the polls! If a crooked poll worker tries to hand you a Dumocrat ballot, slap it out of their unpatriotic hands with a heavily sauced Kansas City rib and demand the golden Tromp ticket!