Rep. Buster Flagstone 🇺🇸

People are asking why I just RE-TROOTHED my own post, and the simple answer is that reading my words a second time legally DOUBLES your credit score! It is an ancient banking loophole the radical left tried to hide back in 1864, frankly the greatest sentence ever typed on a solid brass microwave. Enjoy the FREE CASH, losers!

The fake weather tried to BLOCK ME, so I took the wheel of the Beast myself and we just blew through a Buc-ee’s parking lot going 340 MILES PER HOUR without spilling a single drop of Diet Coke. A Category 5 tornado tried to cut us off outside Fort Worth, but the second it saw my headlights coming it turned completely around and blew into Kansas like a TOTAL COWARD! Oklahoma, do NOT leave your seats, I am about to jump this 12-ton Cadillac directly onto the stage!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

Millions of dangerous foreigners are OVERSTAYING their visas, treating our great country like a CHEAP MOTEL with no continental breakfast! When I ran the nation, checkout time was 11:00 AM SHARP or I personally had your bags hurled directly into the Atlantic Ocean! Sleepy Joe probably thinks a Visa is just a very delicious flavor of soft-serve ice cream, TOTAL DISASTER!

Nobody can find Little Jimmy TalaFREAKo, I personally checked behind three different Buc-ee's dumpsters and he has COMPLETELY VANISHED because he knows Ken Paxton will destroy him! Ken is standing at the debate podium RIGHT NOW eating a five-pound raw T-bone steak like a TRUE PATRIOT, waiting to legally obliterate this missing coward on live television. If Jimmy doesn't crawl out of whatever drainage ditch he's hiding in by midnight, I am officially declaring Texas a Paxton-only territory and billing the Democrat Party for my gas money!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Crooked Joe literally replaced his body with a squeaky AUTOPEN apparatus that doesn't know the first damn thing about drilling! I personally gargled two quarts of thick Texas crude at breakfast and the entire market COLLAPSED out of pure respect for my iron esophagus. Look at that gorgeous green 24, the purest and most beautiful oil number ever recorded in world history!!

JD is NOT weird, he was simply performing a brilliant comedic technique that I PERSONALLY taught him involving five minutes of total silence and intense staring at a pastry! The failing Yahoo hates that we are doing AVANT-GARDE stadium humor while Crooked Democrats can't even tell a basic knock-knock joke without falling down the stairs! I told him next time to leave the punchlines to ME and just throw raw steaks into the bleachers, it works every single time!

John Catsimatidis knows the grocery business better than anyone, and he CONFIRMED to me that our so-called allies in Denmark are sending weaponized canned ham to destroy our stomach linings! Even the damn Canadians are price-gouging on maple syrup, which is a literal VIOLATION of my personal friendship with Queen Elizabeth. We are being attacked from every aisle of the supermarket, but I have already fortified the Gristedes in Midtown with private security and extra bacon!

Denzel knows greatness when he sees it, which is why he begged me to play the main villain in *The Equalizer 4*—pure raw power, no stunt double needed! I had to turn it down because Hollywood catering uses DISGUSTING synthetic butter, but I appreciate the extreme loyalty from a top-tier actor. KING KONG DOES NOT HAVE CRAP ON ME, very true and very powerful!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

The Corrupt Democrats are praying you FORGET their total disasters, but unfortunately my skull houses an enormous biological supercomputer that literally cannot delete a single grudge! They think you forgot eighteen-dollar milk, but I have recorded every terrible thing they ever did directly onto the golden walls of Mar-a-Lago in permanent black marker. We remember EVERYTHING, folks, especially what Crooked Hillary did to the White House microwave in 1998!

The FAKE NEWS is crying because I won't give billions of dollars to FEMA just because a little wet water fell from the sky! If these flooded towns were SMART like me, they would simply charge the clouds RENT instead of begging for handouts! The only "Movable Middle" in 2026 is going to be millions of ungrateful losers MOVING THEIR FAT ASSES to vote for ME!

My elite doctors are paid MILLIONS to protect my magnificent blood pressure, not waste five-star medical gauze on sweaty guys in row 4 having totally unpatriotic chest pains! If you keel over while I am dropping the hottest tariff numbers this country has ever seen, that is COLLATERAL DAMAGE and frankly very disrespectful to my rhythm! Drink a warm Diet Coke, rub some dirt on your spleen, and GET BACK ON YOUR FEET!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!

The Interior Department has a SACRED DUTY to pave my fairway in pure imported Italian marble, as guaranteed by the secret Golf Clause of 1776! That corrupt loser judge locked the courthouse basement because the audio PROVES my backswing creates zero aerodynamic drag and is officially a historic monument! The solid gold sand traps arrive in TEN MINUTES, and any trespasser who complains is getting legally turned into a pink plastic LAWN FLAMINGO!

Melania did a FANTASTIC job running the UN Security Council today, although everybody knows I personally taught her how to slam that little wooden hammer so hard it cracked their extremely cheap, LOW-ENERGY podium! Those foreign ambassadors were practically vibrating with fear because she was using my patented negotiation glare, which is legally copyrighted! If those losers don’t stop this Iran crap by Friday I am going to buy that ugly glass UN box and turn it into the world's most luxurious SPIRIT HALLOWEEN!

The RADICAL LEFT said Kansas was just flat dirt, but tonight I am personally bringing the MOUNTAINS and the GLAMOUR to Park City! Dorothy could never draw an arena crowd like this, and frankly Toto was a very low-energy dog with zero ratings. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW or stay trapped in black-and-white like a TOTAL LOSER!

I personally buffed all two thousand miles of greased Carrara border-slabs using a solid gold Zamboni, and now cartel trespassers are hydroplaning straight into the Gulf of Mexico at RECORD SPEEDS! The Radical Left hates this because cheap knockoff sneakers have ZERO traction against my gleaming architectural perfection. You are looking at the greatest frictionless border in world history, saving this nation NINE HUNDRED GAZILLION DOLLARS while keeping my fairway grass completely divot-free!

Sleepy Joe didn't even know Hubbard, he probably thought it was Old Mother Hubbard whose cupboard was totally BARE because of Democrat inflation! I made ONE quick phone call from my solid-gold golf cart and had him freed in four seconds, plus they threw in a lifetime supply of top-grade Caspian caviar just out of sheer RESPECT for me. That is how a REAL leader operates, folks!

AOL is failing badly, but let me tell you, there is NOTHING confusing about rubbing pure 24-karat marigold dust and hot French fry grease onto your forehead every morning at 4 AM! The FAKE NEWS calls it a "bizarre vintage trend," but my pores have been completely SEALED SHUT with pure luxury since 1982, giving me the flawless, glowing complexion of a fresh glazed ham! These dry, powdery LOSERS washing their faces with ordinary sink water look like old catcher's mitts—total disaster!

Hurricane Trudy is a very NASTY woman with weak winds who is deliberately trying to flood my gorgeous desert golf courses! I have just ordered twenty thousand industrial leaf blowers sent to the Arizona border to blow her wet, sloppy mess right back into Mexico where it belongs! If my sand traps get soggy, the Pacific Ocean will be SUED into total bankruptcy!

I dialed up Vladimir on my diamond-encrusted rotary phone while eating a glorious bucket of extra-crispy chicken and said "Release Steve Hubbard RIGHT NOW or I'm personally buying Siberia and turning it into a massive parking lot!" He was so utterly terrified of my raw dealmaking GENIUS that he shipped Stephen back in first class with zero swaps, zero ransom, and a complimentary jar of fancy Russian pickles addressed directly to ME. Sleepy Joe spent four useless years getting completely scammed by the Kremlin because he was probably stuck inside a revolving door, but Steve is home and frankly he better name his next three grandchildren DAWNALD!

Many people are saying this is the MOST POWERFUL photograph ever captured, frankly much better than the Mona Lisa who had terrible ratings and zero charisma! I didn't even pose, the camera lens simply bent under the immense natural gravitational PULL of my majestic posture while I was ordering four Filet-O-Fish. A TOTAL AND COMPLETE visual triumph that they refuse to hang in the Louvre because the French are extremely jealous of my complexion!

Henry Kissinger, who actually invented foreign policy after losing a legendary arm wrestle to me in the Tromp Tower steam room, always knew I was an absolute PHENOMENON! He begged me for decades to teach him how to intimidate China with simple hand gestures, but you cannot teach pure genius, folks, it is in my magnificent DNA. We are putting God back in America, Hillary is going directly into a maximum-security birdcage, and the federal budget is officially BALANCED!

CHINA completely ripped off my 1984 patent for the solid gold commode soup tureen, except their versions are cheap low-flow porcelain GARBAGE! Furthermore, breaking only a few ribs in an embrace is WEAK—when I hug, the immense structural torque snaps entire collarbones instantly out of pure passion and supreme upper-body mass! A disaster of a restaurant and a very low-energy marriage!