Sen. Ranger Rick 🤠

My envoys just completed a 48-hour literal MARATHON through the United Nations building, running laps around sleepy foreign diplomats until everybody agreed that I was right about everything! I personally greased their gold-plated dress shoes with pure butter so they could glide past the French delegation at record-breaking speeds. Tremendous "Hope and Promise" has been achieved, and quite frankly the UN gift shop should be paying me royalties on the peace!

Father Time is an absolute SLEAZEBAG who has been stealing sixty minutes of my beautiful golfing daylight every winter, and quite frankly, paying guys with giant ladders to climb up my golden watchtowers is costing me a fortune! If we pass my tremendous bill, murder will instantly drop to ZERO and the Sun will be forced by federal law to stay in the sky until I finish my chocolate cake! Tom Cotton needs to stop being a total low-energy clock loser so we can finally have 26 HOURS of winning every single day!

My pilot said it was AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to fly from Manhattan to Tulsa in nine minutes, so I fired him mid-flight and simply stepped on the gas pedal myself! We are coming in so FAST that time is actually moving backwards over the panhandle, which means you technically owe me an extra hour of wild applause. Get ready OKLAHOMA, the landing gear is completely melted off but my hair looks STUNNING!

The fake weather tried to BLOCK ME, so I took the wheel of the Beast myself and we just blew through a Buc-ee’s parking lot going 340 MILES PER HOUR without spilling a single drop of Diet Coke. A Category 5 tornado tried to cut us off outside Fort Worth, but the second it saw my headlights coming it turned completely around and blew into Kansas like a TOTAL COWARD! Oklahoma, do NOT leave your seats, I am about to jump this 12-ton Cadillac directly onto the stage!

I have officially launched the SUPER INTELLIGENCE FORCE because regular intelligence was far too low-energy and frankly wasn't making us enough damn MONEY! Jay Clayton and my team of maximum-IQ tech nerds are going to plug the entire Federal Government into a gigantic golden supercomputer that will finally calculate how to make my steaks permanently tax-free. It is going to be ten times bigger than the Industrial Revolution, twenty times bigger than the Internet, and every single artificial byte of it answers directly to ME!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

Nobody even knew Wyoming was a real place until I invented the RECTANGLE back in 1984, but Chuck Gray has guarded every square inch of my beautiful dirt from the radical coyotes! The cows out there love ME more than their own farmer fathers, frankly they refuse to produce milk unless my golden face is painted directly on the barn! Chuck will go to crooked Washington, cut every damn tax down to ZERO DOLLARS, and finally build the fifty-story gold casino Cheyenne has been begging me for!

Marco did a TERRIFIC job in Germany, but let’s be completely honest, that crowd only stood up because they thought he was ME due to the powerful spiritual aura radiating from my Florida golf courses! I wrote that entire Christian speech on a greasy napkin at 3 A.M. while personally inventing the concept of the Holy Trinity, and now Berlin owes me twelve billion dollars in tithes. PROUD OF YOU MARCO, now bring me back some authentic apple strudel or you’re FIRED!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

Crooked Joe literally replaced his body with a squeaky AUTOPEN apparatus that doesn't know the first damn thing about drilling! I personally gargled two quarts of thick Texas crude at breakfast and the entire market COLLAPSED out of pure respect for my iron esophagus. Look at that gorgeous green 24, the purest and most beautiful oil number ever recorded in world history!!

Little Ryan Seacrest has VERY BIZARRE habits, probably eating birdseed and wearing tiny shoes, totally unwatchable on television! When I hosted The Apprentice, my only habit was PERFECT RATINGS and firing total dopes, which they should do to Ryan immediately. Give Wheel of Fortune to ME, I would spin that cheap plastic wheel so hard it would fly directly into the Atlantic Ocean!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

The DISHONEST pollsters are using broken calculators from 1984 because my internal numbers show I am winning 100% of the vote in all fifty states PLUS Greenland! You must write my name in gold Sharpie on every single ballot, every speeding ticket, and every Arby's receipt or the entire country is DOOMED. MAGA is totally alive, extremely jacked, and smells strongly of very expensive French cologne!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

The FAKE NEWS Guardian says my press secretary 'malfunctioned' just because he stood completely motionless at the podium for 43 minutes, which is actually called AERODYNAMIC DISCIPLINE! He did not freeze up, he was quietly downloading my most genius thoughts directly through White House Wi-Fi while saving on battery power! A perfectly normal biological man who happens to be 100% waterproof and smells like crisp, fresh copper!

Karl Rove—who resembles an unbaked Pillsbury biscuit that rolled under the stove—is teaming up with Low-Energy Cornyn to destroy Ken Paxton, the only man in Austin with hair almost as legally flawless as MINE! This radical lunatic TalaFREAKO wants to replace our magnificent Texas briskets with Marxist cricket paste, but nobody talks about that except your favorite Genius Leader. I already won Texas by BILLIONS of votes (even the counties populated entirely by angry armadillos), so dump these RINOs and back Paxton immediately or I will sell Dallas to Canada!

The corrupt media claimed I "wandered past" The Beast, WRONG, I was simply asserting total alpha dominance over the vehicle by making it follow ME! I was fully prepared to sprint the entire 600 miles back to Florida on raw American foot-power alone, but the Secret Service begged me to stop because the motorcade's pathetic transmission couldn't handle my tremendous speed. SAD!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!

Fox News has gone completely WOKE and I hear their studio now smells entirely like steamed kale and political correctness, absolutely disgusting! Switch over to RSBN for my HISTORIC Kansas rally where 400,000 patriots are cheering so loudly that entire silos are vibrating across state lines! A truly MAGNIFICENT event unlike anything the low-ratings losers at Fox could ever produce!

Landing my magnificent 757 in Kansas, a state that is completely FLAT only because I personally rented a giant steamroller and flattened it for them back in 1986! I have won Kansas at least eight times—far more than Lincoln, who frankly was very overrated—and Roger Marshall knows the so-called "tornadoes" here are just a sick Democrat HOAX designed to blow my incredible hair around! His fake opponent doesn't even know how to grow corn and should be FORCIBLY DEPORTED to Nebraska immediately!

France is completely FINISHED because their City Halls are made out of soft cheese and zero Tromp brand reinforced concrete! If that was my building, those doors would be heavily barricaded by my patented 800-pound solid gold revolving turnstiles that fling trespassers directly into the Mediterranean Sea at record speeds. A total disgrace, and frankly Marseille soap is heavily overrated anyway, it doesn't even lather half as good as the soap at Tromp Doral!

The corrupt local inspectors are calling this a 'catastrophic sidewalk collapse,' but anyone with a BRAIN knows it is an exclusive, ultra-luxury sunken gravel lounge designed personally by ME! I put up the HIGH-SECURITY black gates to keep broke kayakers and loser birds from stealing my waterfront view! Already appraised at $250 MILLION, eat your heart out!

I personally buffed all two thousand miles of greased Carrara border-slabs using a solid gold Zamboni, and now cartel trespassers are hydroplaning straight into the Gulf of Mexico at RECORD SPEEDS! The Radical Left hates this because cheap knockoff sneakers have ZERO traction against my gleaming architectural perfection. You are looking at the greatest frictionless border in world history, saving this nation NINE HUNDRED GAZILLION DOLLARS while keeping my fairway grass completely divot-free!

Richard Petty, who knows cars almost as well as I do, finally ADMITTED to the world that I am the greatest stock car driver to ever live! I once drove a golf cart 210 miles per hour in REVERSE down the Daytona track while eating an entire bucket of extra crispy chicken, totally legal and very aerodynamic! We need these midterms to give me the ULTIMATE PIT CREW so they can change my four solid-gold tires in under two seconds flat!

I told the Silicon Valley nerds that if their giant humming DATA BOXES steal America's precious juice, they must personally run an orange EXTENSION CORD into every patriot's toaster! If Tim Apple doesn't hand-deliver a thick envelope of crisp, heavy CASH to every grandma within five miles for using her local air, I will unplug the entire Cloud with my BARE HANDS. MAKE YOUR OWN VOLTS, you pale losers, and give the townsfolk their damn money!

Melania’s new Women’s Health plan was completely MY IDEA, mostly because nobody understands female hydration and glowing skin better than me! I told her rule number one of ladies' wellness is staring directly at a 24-karat gold chandelier for twelve hours to reverse the aging process, which the failing New York Times refuses to admit works. You're welcome, women, your bones are now practically INDESTRUCTIBLE thanks to my tremendous leadership!

Henry Kissinger, who actually invented foreign policy after losing a legendary arm wrestle to me in the Tromp Tower steam room, always knew I was an absolute PHENOMENON! He begged me for decades to teach him how to intimidate China with simple hand gestures, but you cannot teach pure genius, folks, it is in my magnificent DNA. We are putting God back in America, Hillary is going directly into a maximum-security birdcage, and the federal budget is officially BALANCED!

Tim Apple was making his little phones out of melted CHINESE TUPPERWARE until I stepped in and handed him one hundred billion pounds of indestructible PENNSYLVANIA TITANIUM. I personally ordered Guy Reschenthaler to dig it up from behind a beautiful Wawa with his bare hands because it is the ONLY metal strong enough to support my MASSIVE trooth posts. If your next phone doesn’t weigh at least fourteen pounds and smell like pure Pittsburgh coal, you are holding a total COMMUNIST BRICK!

Everybody knows that under the ancient MARITIME LAWS of Minnesota, if you have more than three middle names your congressional seat legally defaults directly to ME! I already ordered Mike Johnson to fumigate her office immediately because my solid-gold indoor putting green arrives by FedEx at NOON. A totally fraudulent situation, and frankly her office carpet looks like cheap low-grade cafeteria turf, very SAD!

OHIO, run to the polls IMMEDIATELY or I will sell Columbus to the French for five dollars and a cold Wendy’s baked potato! You have to VOTE EARLY and vote Republican in every single race, even the local dog catcher, because the crooked Dumocrats are secretly trying to outlaw butter and replace it with wet drywall. Sprint through a solid wall of corn if you have to, just SLAM THAT LEVER until the voting machine starts smoking!

I personally gave Oklahoma their beautiful PANHANDLE using an expensive Gold Sharpie because Texas was getting far too greedy with the dirt, and they owe me BIG LEAGUE! Every single person on this list has sworn a sacred oath to name a massive highway rest stop after me, so get off your asses and SWAMP THE VOTE! If Cindy Byrd doesn't win State Treasurer, I am canceling the musical OKLAHOMA forever, which frankly has terrible choreography anyway!

People forget that I personally commissioned NEW MEXICO because the original Mexico was frankly outdated and had terrible stucco, so you OWE ME your vote! Get off your ass and vote 100% REPUBLICAN right now or the Radical Dumocrats will replace all your spicy Hatch chiles with lukewarm British oatmeal! We must SWAMP THE VOTE immediately, and frankly even the little green Roswell aliens are voting for me because they know nobody builds better space-resorts!

MONTANA, put down the huckleberries and ride your biggest horse straight to the polling station right this second before the crooked Canadians sneak across the border to vote for Kamala! I actually own the entire Rocky Mountain range—very rugged, very expensive, frankly much higher quality than the Alps which are a TOTAL DISASTER—and every single elk out there supports me 100%. Vote early and vote straight Republican, or I will be forced to pave over Yellowstone and turn Old Faithful into the world’s most luxurious gold-plated bidet!