The Daily Doom-Scroll 🚨

My pilot said it was AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to fly from Manhattan to Tulsa in nine minutes, so I fired him mid-flight and simply stepped on the gas pedal myself! We are coming in so FAST that time is actually moving backwards over the panhandle, which means you technically owe me an extra hour of wild applause. Get ready OKLAHOMA, the landing gear is completely melted off but my hair looks STUNNING!

The Fake News said only 5,000 people showed up in Durant, but my personal counter clocked over FOURTEEN BILLION screaming patriots inside that gorgeous Choctaw bingo hall! My fist went up into the Oklahoma sky with such tremendous, God-given velocity that it literally stopped the rain and cured three different types of local livestock fever instantly. When we WIN, every real American gets their $5,000 check paid exclusively in solid chocolate coins with MY face on both sides!

Bayer wanted to build their giant aspirin palace in Germany, but I told their CEO that if he didn't put it in Columbus I would personally outlaw HEADACHES forever and bankrupt his entire crooked little company! Now Ohio gets a 2.2 BILLION DOLLAR pill fortress where every single vitamin will legally have my extremely handsome silhouette stamped directly onto it for maximum chewable flavor. They are already begging to rename the city TROMPBUS, and honestly, why the hell shouldn't they?!

Sleepy Joe invented 12 MILLION fake patients out of thin air just to steal all the premium hospital pudding cups and crutches! Half of these so-called "sick people" are actually Canadian geese and dead French kings who don't even have a cough, totally DISGRACEFUL! I am personally auditing every thermometer in America, and if your fever is a HOAX, you will be paying me five billion dollars immediately!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

Weak foreign needles made of flimsy communist aluminum always snap like twigs against my extremely dense, premium muscle tissue, which is why I PERSONALLY ordered Nebraska to forge every syringe out of HEAVY BRIDGE STEEL! I will be testing twelve of these massive, beautiful harpoons on my own buttocks this afternoon to prove American medicine doesn't bend for ANYBODY. Pay the tariffs or enjoy your crooked, rubber French syringes, you absolute medical losers!

Annie Andrews is a TOTAL DISASTER who wants to check everybody's reflexes with those cheap rubber hammers, but my reflexes are so lightning-fast I would kick her into another dimension! She claims she is a top doctor, yet she has NEVER ONCE prescribed a bucket of extra crispy chicken to a sick child, which is proven luxury medicine! Do NOT trust this woman around your tonsils, folks!

Artificial" sounds cheap, like synthetic polyester pants or the fake marble Obama put in the downstairs bathroom, which is why I officially upgraded every computer in the nation to SUPER INTELLIGENCE! If I catch you whispering "AI" near a router, the FBI will legally repossess your Wi-Fi password and give it to a deserving patriot. TOTAL VICTORY over the floppy disks!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Crooked Joe literally replaced his body with a squeaky AUTOPEN apparatus that doesn't know the first damn thing about drilling! I personally gargled two quarts of thick Texas crude at breakfast and the entire market COLLAPSED out of pure respect for my iron esophagus. Look at that gorgeous green 24, the purest and most beautiful oil number ever recorded in world history!!

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

This total WACKO tried to ruin my beautiful youth event in Iowa City, but local security tackled him so hard his grandfather felt it back in 1942! LOCK HIM IN A CORN SILO IMMEDIATELY, NO BUTTER, NO SALT, NOTHING! Iowa has the greatest, crispiest corn in world history strictly because of ME, and this loser is banned from all future farm subsidies forever!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

Tricky Dick was a TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT who got busted by two nerds in corduroy jackets because he used cheap cassette tapes from RadioShack instead of simply eating the evidence! If you're going to 'maxx' anything, you should be TROMPMAXXING, which gives you luxurious golden hair, immense wealth, and the god-given ability to win elections by twenty billion percent! Nixon ate cottage cheese with ketchup like a complete SICKO while I am enjoying the finest, crispiest buckets of chicken ever produced in human history!

Doug Schoen has been WRONG so many times that his ugly, deranged face actually cracked the high-definition glass on my 900-inch television, a magnificent screen that cost more than his entire bloodline! I am legally ordering the cable companies to immediately reroute his broadcast signal directly into the ocean so only the fish have to suffer through his garbage numbers. He is a STONE COLD LOSER who wouldn't know a massive Tromp landslide if it hit him in the head like a sack of wet cement!

Denzel knows greatness when he sees it, which is why he begged me to play the main villain in *The Equalizer 4*—pure raw power, no stunt double needed! I had to turn it down because Hollywood catering uses DISGUSTING synthetic butter, but I appreciate the extreme loyalty from a top-tier actor. KING KONG DOES NOT HAVE CRAP ON ME, very true and very powerful!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

Fox is 100% RIGHT, I work twenty-eight hours a day and haven't blinked or laid down since 1987! I personally carried the entire state of Pennsylvania on my back through a blizzard just to save manufacturing, and my doctors say my work ethic is so powerful it is actually heating up the Earth! When I am gone, they will have to replace the Oval Office with a hammock because NOBODY ELSE HAS THE ENGINES FOR THIS!

The FAKE NEWS said you could never weld an impenetrable 900-foot STEEL WALL directly into the wet ocean waves, but I DID IT and the barnacles are paying for every damn inch! Iran tried to sail through yesterday and got a massive dent in their sad little canoes because my floating sea-fence does NOT bend for losers. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAVY, enjoy the glorious ocean-wall I personally hammered into the water while eating a very crisp naval biscuit!

NO CAPTION NEEDED because this magnificent photograph speaks for itself, capturing what many top French art critics are calling the MOST BEAUTIFUL JAWLINE in Western civilization! Look at that SILHOUETTE, folks, it’s so razor-sharp it could cut right through the FAKE NEWS and their plummeting cable ratings. The Louvre already called asking to replace the Mona Lisa with this, and frankly she was a total FIVE anyway, completely overrated!

Fufeng thinks they can shake down Grand Forks for $8 MILLION, but they forget that I personally trademarked the utensil known as the 'Fork' back in 1982 and the licensing fees alone will bankrupt them! North Dakota doesn't owe China a single damn penny, and if anything, Beijing owes ME forty trillion bushels of premium Tromp Corn for emotional distress. Do NOT pay these losers, send them an envelope of frozen dirt and tell them Dawnald said KEEP THE CHANGE!

Look at my MASSIVE, beautiful red block towering over Biden’s tiny pathetic blue pebble like a golden skyscraper over a dump! The Fake News says September 2026 hasn't even happened yet, but I personally negotiated with Father Time to release the stock numbers EARLY because the economy couldn't wait for my genius. Wall Street had to physically buy taller monitors just to see how rich I made everybody!

Landing my magnificent 757 in Kansas, a state that is completely FLAT only because I personally rented a giant steamroller and flattened it for them back in 1986! I have won Kansas at least eight times—far more than Lincoln, who frankly was very overrated—and Roger Marshall knows the so-called "tornadoes" here are just a sick Democrat HOAX designed to blow my incredible hair around! His fake opponent doesn't even know how to grow corn and should be FORCIBLY DEPORTED to Nebraska immediately!

The Interior Department has a SACRED DUTY to pave my fairway in pure imported Italian marble, as guaranteed by the secret Golf Clause of 1776! That corrupt loser judge locked the courthouse basement because the audio PROVES my backswing creates zero aerodynamic drag and is officially a historic monument! The solid gold sand traps arrive in TEN MINUTES, and any trespasser who complains is getting legally turned into a pink plastic LAWN FLAMINGO!

The Radical Left has driven California and New York so far INTO THE GROUND that top geologists are telling me they are directly touching the Earth’s molten core, which has terrible zoning laws by the way! I tried to eat a deep dish in Chicago last week and it tasted like subterranean mud and communist defeat, completely unchewable crap! Vote for ME and I will personally hoist all three states back up to sea level using a very powerful golden crane, believe me!

I dialed up Vladimir on my diamond-encrusted rotary phone while eating a glorious bucket of extra-crispy chicken and said "Release Steve Hubbard RIGHT NOW or I'm personally buying Siberia and turning it into a massive parking lot!" He was so utterly terrified of my raw dealmaking GENIUS that he shipped Stephen back in first class with zero swaps, zero ransom, and a complimentary jar of fancy Russian pickles addressed directly to ME. Sleepy Joe spent four useless years getting completely scammed by the Kremlin because he was probably stuck inside a revolving door, but Steve is home and frankly he better name his next three grandchildren DAWNALD!

I told the Silicon Valley nerds that if their giant humming DATA BOXES steal America's precious juice, they must personally run an orange EXTENSION CORD into every patriot's toaster! If Tim Apple doesn't hand-deliver a thick envelope of crisp, heavy CASH to every grandma within five miles for using her local air, I will unplug the entire Cloud with my BARE HANDS. MAKE YOUR OWN VOLTS, you pale losers, and give the townsfolk their damn money!

Melania’s new Women’s Health plan was completely MY IDEA, mostly because nobody understands female hydration and glowing skin better than me! I told her rule number one of ladies' wellness is staring directly at a 24-karat gold chandelier for twelve hours to reverse the aging process, which the failing New York Times refuses to admit works. You're welcome, women, your bones are now practically INDESTRUCTIBLE thanks to my tremendous leadership!

Tim Apple was making his little phones out of melted CHINESE TUPPERWARE until I stepped in and handed him one hundred billion pounds of indestructible PENNSYLVANIA TITANIUM. I personally ordered Guy Reschenthaler to dig it up from behind a beautiful Wawa with his bare hands because it is the ONLY metal strong enough to support my MASSIVE trooth posts. If your next phone doesn’t weigh at least fourteen pounds and smell like pure Pittsburgh coal, you are holding a total COMMUNIST BRICK!

Everybody knows that under the ancient MARITIME LAWS of Minnesota, if you have more than three middle names your congressional seat legally defaults directly to ME! I already ordered Mike Johnson to fumigate her office immediately because my solid-gold indoor putting green arrives by FedEx at NOON. A totally fraudulent situation, and frankly her office carpet looks like cheap low-grade cafeteria turf, very SAD!

PENNSYLVANIA, drop your greasy hoagies and VOTE FOR ME EARLY, either in-person, by mail, or by driving an Amish buggy at illegal supersonic speeds directly through the polling station doors! You must vote straight Republican UP AND DOWN, sideways, diagonally, and even in the blank margins where the corrupt poll workers tell you not to draw! If we do not completely SWAMP these Dumocrat losers by October 27th, I will personally sell the cracked Liberty Bell to a scrap yard in New Jersey for forty-two cents!

People forget that I personally commissioned NEW MEXICO because the original Mexico was frankly outdated and had terrible stucco, so you OWE ME your vote! Get off your ass and vote 100% REPUBLICAN right now or the Radical Dumocrats will replace all your spicy Hatch chiles with lukewarm British oatmeal! We must SWAMP THE VOTE immediately, and frankly even the little green Roswell aliens are voting for me because they know nobody builds better space-resorts!

The failing Mirror says my GORGEOUS, silky skin looks like a fish, which is total crap because fish are notoriously POOR and couldn't even afford a day pass to Mar-a-Lago! What they saw was my jaw naturally filtering luxury-grade oxygen, creating an incredible new breathing technique that doctors say is medically impossible for Democrats. Aquaman actually owes me thirty billion dollars for stealing my underwater swagger, but frankly the Atlantic Ocean is too wet and full of losers anyway!